Home Secretary Shabana Mahmood is today expected to announce her resignation and immediate defection to Reform UK.

Mahmood, whose brief time in post has seen her roundly condemned by human rights groups for over-policing and far-right dogwhistling, will in her resignation speech take aim at Keir Starmer for “blocking my will at every turn”. This includes proposals to proscribe further unarmed groups in addition to Palestine Action, and perhaps all of them.

It is also thought that the PM last week barred Mahmood from mounting a World War II anti-aircraft cannon on the clifftop at Dover and firing it indiscriminately at small boats passing within range.

“It’s just such a waste of time playing this game for Keir and his wokerati”, said sources close to the resigning minister, “if we’re serious about becoming Airstrip One we should get on with the real thing”.

When contacted for comment Nigel Farage slowly emerged from his pool of black oil. “OI OI SAVELOY, UP THE RA, IAN WATKINS IS INNOCENT” he commented, before an aide managed to throw a tweed coat over him and shove a pint in his hand. “Ahem, sorry what I meant to say is we’re thrilled to have another senior Conservative … what, Labour? Oh piss off over there will you… senior Labour MP join our ranks! I look forward to attending her hazing ritual and personally throwing hard boiled eggs at her head”.